3 Calming Phrases Every Teacher Should Use to De-Escalate Student Behavior

I remember when a new student walked into my classroom. He was perhaps the angriest new student I’d ever had.

He was so angry, that he was shut down completely, no talking, no moving, no interest in anything.

The only thing he agreed to do was take a “walk and talk” with me — one of my go-to strategies when responding to a student in a high emotional state. 

Encouraged by his compliance, I continued to ask about the source of his anger. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” I said. Yet still, he stayed silent. 

We walked in silence to the front office. I pretended to take care of some business in the front office and we returned to the classroom. As soon as we entered I showed the student his assigned seat and he quietly sat down.

After a few tense minutes he pulled a cellphone from his pocket and called home. Within short order he was crying and yelling at the person on the other end. “I don’t want to be in this f*cking class.” 

“There it is!” I thought. “I finally have my answer.”

When the student hung up the phone, I leaned toward him and said gently, “You’re upset because you don’t want to be in the same class all day.” 

He gave me a small nod. 

“Well, let’s go to the counselor and figure out a schedule you do want.”

Immediately, his face and body softened; and off to the counselor the student and I went. When we arrived the student looked nervous and afraid. So I stayed with him and offered him encouragement and support as he explained to the counselor the schedule he wanted. 

One week later the student requested to be in my classroom all day. Luckily I have a hybrid program and was able to accommodate this request. 

That’s the power of empathy and connection. 

Students, especially those with extreme behavior challenges, are used to being isolated and misunderstood. When they find an adult who really sees them and cares enough to listen, they lean in.

The Big Picture

When students are in crisis, our words matter more than we realize. In those high-stress moments, their brains are overwhelmed. Logic isn’t leading - emotion is.

If we meet anger with attempts to control the student, we only fan the flames. But if we meet the students’ intense emotions with empathy and connection, we create a bridge back to calm.

The good news?

You don’t need a script or a complicated plan. I’ve learned that a couple of words, spoken with the right intent at the right moment, can open the door to a resolution when a student is in crisis. 

Let me share three phrases that have carried me through again and again.

1. Name the Emotion + Offer Support

When emotions run high, our first step should be to help the student feel seen and heard. You can do this by calmly and without judgment naming the emotions that you can see.

Saying something as simple as, “I can see you’re upset,” reassures a student that their feelings are real and that it’s alright to have them.  Pairing this with an offer of support  - “I’m here to help” - communicates safety. 

This approach helps ease defensiveness and brings the emotional temperature down. Over time, students realize their strong feelings don’t drive us away, they actually bring us closer. 

That’s how trust is built.

Classroom example: A middle schooler grumbles quietly under their breath after we've given them a direction they don't like. Instead of calling it defiance, quietly say, “You seem frustrated. I’m here if you need me.” 

Often, that acknowledgment alone stops the behavior from escalating.

2. Express Intent to Understand + Invite Sharing

When students misbehave, it’s easy to assume we know why. The truth is, our first assumptions about a student’s behavior aren’t always right. 

Instead of reacting too quickly, it helps to pause and get curious. 

A gentle 2-part question like, “I want to understand what’s going on. Can you tell me?” can open the door to conversation. That moment of empathy gives the student back some control and helps you avoid a power struggle.

When you give students an opportunity to use their voice, you shift the moment from conflict to dialogue. Over time, students learn their perspectives matter and feel empowered to share.

Classroom example: A student refuses to put away their phone. Instead of immediately taking it, get curious. Try saying, “I want to understand what’s going on. Can you tell me why you need your phone right now?” 

Sometimes the answer is, “I’m waiting to hear from my mom about my little brother.” Suddenly, the behavior makes sense, and we can work together on a solution.

3. Use Collaborative Language + Problem-Solving Invitation

Discipline doesn’t have to be adversarial. A simple phrase like, “Let’s figure this out together,” invites the student into partnership with you.

This shifts the energy from adult-versus-student to teammates-versus-problem.

Collaborative language reduces resistance because students sense they’re not being judged but invited to solve a challenge alongside you.

The beauty of this approach is that it not only de-escalates the moment but also teaches students problem-solving skills they can carry beyond the classroom.

Classroom example: A student is upset about a consequence and refuses to move. Instead of trying to control the student, calmly respond, “I hear you. Let’s figure this out together.” 

When a student trusts you, their body softens, and they realize they don’t have to carry the struggle alone.

Conclusion

The next time a student’s emotions spike, remember: you don’t need the perfect script. 

Instead, try using one of these three sentence structures.

These statements show that it’s less about exerting control over the student, and more about nurturing a connection. 

When our students feel seen, heard, and supported, you’ll be amazed at how quickly the storm can pass.

Until next time...